2012.

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Yesterday, I wrote up a big ol’ blog post. It was really something, you should’ve seen it. I started out to write all sorts of thoughts about 2012. And even though I acknowledged that there were some low points in 2012, I really typed alot about the high points. It had pictures. It had videos. It talked of travel and childbirth and professional advances. It talked of family and friends, books and movies that I loved, all kinds of neat things.

And then on the way to work I realized that was simply not what 2012 was about for me.

Yes, there were some real highlights. I loved the places I went in the last year. I’m enthralled with my new daughter, the way she smiles every time I come home. But I’ll be honest, this is what 2012 was about for me:

I’m closer with my wife than I was in 2011. And that doesn’t just happen. Every great change comes at the cost of conflict. No story ever arcs without the building of conflict, or at least potential conflict. I am very glad for my wife and very glad for where we are.

I’ve questioned God alot more than I did in 2011. I have run the gamut of emotions with Him. I have felt farther spaces between us than I ever have before. I have also been closer to God in moments of 2012 than I ever had before. My relationship with God is never what I feel like “it should be”, but I know Him better this year. I see His character more clearly today. And I’m still questioning matters of faith, of my heart, of my relation and space to Him. But I know Him, and I’m pretty sure that’s more valuable than having a relationship that looks like “it should”. Don Miller wrote that “You never question the truth of something until you have to explain it to a skeptic”. I would add that even more so when you become the skeptic for time.

2012 was about learning to be OK with the fact that I can’t figure it out. It was about leaning in to a few good relationships. And it was hugely about examining where I place value.

Mostly I’m simply thankful for the last year. I’m happy for the people in my life. And I’m happy that I follow a God that really makes less and less sense to me the more I know Him.

Here’s to 2013.

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